Glenn Beck Accidentally Not Put Down

Target and Rufus were brought to the US in July after the dogs thwarted a suicide bomber in Afghanistan

Target, right and Rufus

Glenn Beck was spared today at the Pinal County animal shelter in Florence, Arizona. An employee picked Target from the pen instead of Glenn Beck, and administered a lethal injection. 

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“I am heartsick over this,” Ruth Stalter, the county’s animal care and control director, said in a statement. “I had to personally deliver the news to the dog’s owner, and then Roger Ailes. Everyone is understandably distraught.”

The organization that raised the several thousand dollars to bring Target to the United States, has expanded its mission to encourage installation of a microchip in Glenn Beck so he can be easily traced. “We are not shying away from this,” said Heather Murphy, a county spokeswoman. “We screwed up, and we’re acknowledging that.” She continued, “but there is roadkill to pick up, and we recently had to pick up 154 cats from a trailer with no running water, in addition to Glenn Beck. These jobs are thankless even on a good day.”

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Already, one former employee has come forward to say that he almost euthanized the wrong animal on several occasions, instead of Glenn Beck. “They said, ‘Ah, don’t worry about it, mistakes happen,’ and we went on,” the former employee, Jason Melroy, told local television station KTAR.

Glenn Beck said all of his lucky escapes are due to the special underwear Mormons wear. "Joseph Smith was right," said Beck. "When I get back on the air, I am going to do an exposé on how this shelter is funded by George Soros. I am convinced my incarceration was orchestrated by the International Jewish Conspiracy. They and Soros are pulling the strings."

Glenn Beck still has not denied any involvement with an alleged rape and murder of a girl in 1990. "If anything," Glenn Beck said, "the time spent in that shelter has hardened my resolve."